Thursday, March 17, 2011

Holy Moly

In exactly 3 months today and about 15 hours, I'll be saying "I do" to the love of my life.

However, all I can think about is A) How long 3 months is and how awful life is currently because I'm living in a separate state from my fiance and B) how short 3 months is because in the midst of working (more than) full time, doing extra research on the side, living a normal life, I've still got wedding details to plan. In fact, as tired as I was 3 hours ago my mind is racing with all I have to do NOW and on top of it all I've got 3 nights of work ahead of me.

I'm going to be honest here, internet world, I'm finding it incredibly challenging to be positive and joyful. My job does not feel totally fulfilling to me, I don't yet have a community here, and its really hard being so far from the people I love most. There are moments where I feel incredibly happy and blessed, like when I get to spend a weekend with a friend, or catch up with a bridesmaid on the phone, or when I get to fly home for a weekend. But lately I've felt like these moments are only when I am escaping from where I currently am. I have not been living in the statement "wherever you are, be all there."

My brain keeps coming up with these brilliant, Godly statements like "you're in this place for a reason" and "count it all joy..." and "you really are blessed" and all of these are outrageously true. However, my heart does not listen to these statements. In fact, my heart feels sad a lot. I'm working (sometimes...) on seeing the positive and remembering that I'm only engaged for another 3 months and I really need to embrace this time and the lessons I am learning. Still, I'm anxious for the time when I get to look back and reflect on what I learned. In all this mess and thinking and busy-ness your advice is welcomed and prayers are coveted.

Anyways, this rambling is getting ridiculous. If you are one of the dear people that has been putting up with me and is supporting me, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If you are a random person reading this, just know, my other posts are usually a less bleeding heart.


Jesse Allen said...

At the risk of being patronizing, I would point your sad heart to some of those sad and angry psalms where you don't have to be positive or happy. It really helps me to know that I am affirmed in my sadness when that's how I feel.

Sarah said...

Oh, how I know those feelings. Not that we've been experiencing identical things, but the year after college is not easy. Moving away from everything, starting over and trying to do it with a positive attitude can be tough (ok, way harder than tough). I pray that you'll find the community you personally need to hold you up when you're feeling low. And that even if you don't see (or, in my case, didn't want to see) the lessons God is trying to teach you in all of this, that someday you'll see them.